A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Mr and Mrs Akpos
OLD BUT GOLD
Mr and Mrs Akpors at a zoo walk past a gorillaenclosure.
Mrs Akpors: Sweetheart, do u know that gorillas are the only animals that behave like men? Look (seeing that no one is watching, she exposes one of her breasts) Sure enough,the gorilla gets excited & grabs the bars
of d enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
Mrs Akpors: See, now I know why u react the way u
do; men can't control their instincts just like gorillas
can't...Men & gorillas are the
same.
Mr Akpors: Wow.. now expose both breast & see what
happens. (So she exposes both breasts to d gorilla & it gets very excited dat it want to escape from d enclosure)
Mr Akpors: dis is incredible, now pull ur skirt up, turn
around, expose ur bum & let's see wat happens. (d woman did exactly & dis time, d gorilla breaks free
frm d enclosure, grabs Mrs Akpors and starts yanking her clothes off)
Mrs Akpors[yells]: Dear..wat do I do now? Plz help
me!
Mr Akpors: Nw, tell him u're in ur period, u av a headache or u're nt in mood, n let's see if Gorillas n
Men are really d same
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Mr and Mrs Akpors at a zoo walk past a gorillaenclosure.
Mrs Akpors: Sweetheart, do u know that gorillas are the only animals that behave like men? Look (seeing that no one is watching, she exposes one of her breasts) Sure enough,the gorilla gets excited & grabs the bars
of d enclosure as if it wanted to break free.
Mrs Akpors: See, now I know why u react the way u
do; men can't control their instincts just like gorillas
can't...Men & gorillas are the
same.
Mr Akpors: Wow.. now expose both breast & see what
happens. (So she exposes both breasts to d gorilla & it gets very excited dat it want to escape from d enclosure)
Mr Akpors: dis is incredible, now pull ur skirt up, turn
around, expose ur bum & let's see wat happens. (d woman did exactly & dis time, d gorilla breaks free
frm d enclosure, grabs Mrs Akpors and starts yanking her clothes off)
Mrs Akpors[yells]: Dear..wat do I do now? Plz help
me!
Mr Akpors: Nw, tell him u're in ur period, u av a headache or u're nt in mood, n let's see if Gorillas n
Men are really d same
Thought About Man
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
And at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... But not the poor groom!
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
And at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."
Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... But not the poor groom!
Ho Santa i got Deliver toy
It s Christmas Eve and Santa arrives at this beautiful young woman s apartment. She takes one look at Santa and decides that she needs to make love to Santa.
She say's �Oh Santa, won't you stay the night? Santa replies, �HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.
The young woman tries to tempt Santa again by letting down her long silky hair and begs, �Oh Santa, now won't you stay? Santa again replies, �HO, HO, HO, Gotta go! Gotta Go! Gotta deliver those toys, you know.
The young woman tries one last time. This time she opens her house robe and reveals her beautiful body. She then asks, �Oh Santa, won't you please stay.
Santa, now becoming aroused, replies, �Hey, Hey, Hey, Gotta Stay! Gotta Stay! Won't fit up the chimney THIS way!
How was i born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as Iwas ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as Iwas ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...
You'll love this.... '
You got Male!
Akpos and Chemist Woman
Akpos enters a chemist shop and screams “I Want A Cond0m!!”
The Female chemist angrily replied
“Sir, could you be a bit more decent?”
then, Akpos unzips his trouser and takes out his Big “John Thomos” in front of the lady and screamed
The Female chemist angrily replied
“Sir, could you be a bit more decent?”
then, Akpos unzips his trouser and takes out his Big “John Thomos” in front of the lady and screamed
” Excuse me Ma! Please, do you have clothes for this Handsome Dude…???
Describe Akpos In One Word
Monday, September 17, 2012
IBO MAN
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An Hausa man asked why? The Edo man smiled & said, "According to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get". The Hausa man dropped N100,000 inside and said, "When the food finish, buy more".
A Yoruba man also dropped N50,000 and said, add this in case it is not enough.
An Igbo man who was present at that time smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of N200,000. He dropped it in the coffin and took the N150,000 notes as change, then said, "Nwanne, withdraw when you reach dia o...it is going to be a dangerous journey, we don’t know how many robbers are out there and no one will be there to save you so just manage the check"
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